Who knows how it feels to be me?
by Mislav
Summary: Set post the episode "The Itchy Brain Stimulation." Lucy thinks about her conversation with Penny and comes to realization, then decides to give Penny her POM. Two shot.


**A/N: I don't own any of the Big Bang Theory characters and I am not making any money from writing this.**

**Please forgive any minor spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.**

**This story takes place post eight epidode of season seven, "The Itchy Brain Stimulation". Because, let's face it, Penny was a hypocrite, judging by the way she was treating Leonard in earlier seasons. Chapter one is written in first person, from Lucy's POV. Chapter two will probably be written in the third person, but I may not be able to write it anytime soon. Hopefully, it will be longer. Also I apologize if this comes off as Penny bashing: I only bash the bad things which she done, not her character. Everybody makes mistakes, but I think that she always gets off the hook. **

Lots of bad things happened to me through my life. And I am always trying to forget that things. Which is silly, because it never works, and I am still doing that.

Sometimes, I try so hard to forget some things that I come to a point when I can't get those things-or one thing-out my head.

Like that conversation in Cheesecake factory two days ago.

Terrifying, humiliating, and probablx the worst thing that I experienced in my life. And believe me, it's a long list.

And sometimes, I start thinking about those things. And sometines, I come to an interesting revelation. Or question. Like now, for example.

I started wondering: really, who knows how it feels to be me? To live in fear every day? To hate yourself every day? To watch other people living normal lives, seeing how simple it seems, and still not being able to live that way yourself? To cry yourself to sleep every night, then dream about living normal life and then wake up and cry again as all your fears and compulsions hit you mercilessly? Whole my life I was looking for a person who would be able to understand how I feel and why I feel that way, why am I doing certain things, why am I afraid... I never did. Raj understood me, partially, but not in complete.

How does that woman think I felt after the break up? I was just as sad and disappointed as Raj was, maybe even more. I felt like a selfish monster and coward and like the worst person in the world, and I was seriously considering to end my life. And when I finally get back on the track, so to speak, some b... bi...

No.

I can't say that.

I never did.

That... person suddenly thinks that she has right to yell at me for breaking up with Raj. First of all, I am sure that she doesn't suffer from anything I do-disorders, anxiety, whatever it is, because person who has that kind of disorder wouldn't start a fight in the crowded diner. Second, that was my and Raj's, _our_ relationship, not hers, and _my_ life, not hers. I only broke up with Raj because he was pushing me too far-it came to the point when I needed to pretend to be happy while I am with him, when I was actually afraid that he will try to push me into something... well, scary again. And I am sure that he was also constantly afraid that he will scare me away.

I can't blame him. I really can't. He meant the best, he wanted the best for both of us, but that's how I felt, and I didn't want to pretend, to lie to him-he didn't deserve that. He deserved, and deserves, the girl who truly loves him and is happy with him, who can make him truly happy.

He deserves someone better than me. I would be like a constant problem for him-problem which he loves, but still a problem. I could never make him truly happy. If I staid with him, I felt, I knew, that would be much worse than breaking up with him: both he and me would live in a lie and in a constant worry.

I wanted to tell that to that woman, but after everything she said to me, I simply couldn't.

But that's about to change.

If I managed to start seeing someone else, and talk to Raj, I can talk to her, too.

Maybe I'm changing.

I don't know how to find her adress, or the phone number. I don't know does she work in the Cheesecake factory tonight, in the same time like she did when we first met. I don't know how am I am going to find her. But I am not coming home till I find her and give her a piece of my mind.

_B-i-t-c-h._


End file.
